Taking a break

For the past 4 weeks, my wife was not around, and I was able to be myself in the comfort of my home, as well as venture outside the house. This temporary solace is coming to an end, and so I will have to take a break from becoming myself. Hopefully, I will be able to make some small progress along the way.

Meeting Cecilia

I just met Cecilia for a quick dinner, chat and movie.

It was the first time that I actually met someone who is also suffering from GID.

It is Friday night, so you can imagine the crowd at the mall. But it also means no one is actually looking at you, since there are so many people around. I was nervous at first, but slowly got the hang of it. I was in a white t-shirt, with a purple-blue checkered shirt over that, and a ochre brown maxi skirt. Cecilia was in a lace top and pants, with a shawl draped over her shoulders. She is about the same height as me, so you can imagine two tall girls walking around in  the mall. Yes, we probably stand out, but no one really bothered enough to stare at us.

It was great being able to hear her story, to share my story, to talk about the similar issues (those that she faced, and those that I will likely face). Our stories are different, our cases are different, but what is the same is that we are both trying to become ourselves.

The movie (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug) was just an excuse to get together. Yes, we both enjoyed the movie, but I think we enjoyed the time together chatting more.

Yet another small step towards becoming me.

The letter

I went for an appointment with Dr Tsoi today. He gave me some advice on how to plan career transition as well as how to get my wife to accept the dressing up, in stages. He also gave me a letter certifying that I have GID. He was more patient with me today, I guess it could have been because I went there dressed (instead of my first visit, when I went in guy mode).

Before the appointment, I went shopping at Takashimaya. I actually bought something, trying to use my female voice. I don't know how it worked, but at least I didn't get outright rejection.

Small steps... yet another step towards becoming me.

Shoe size

Size 41: Just nice for right foot, a bit of a squeeze for left foot.
Size 42: Just nice for left foot, a bit loose for right foot.

Conclusion:
Right foot size 41
Left foot size 42

Where can I buy shoes in mixed sizes?

Going out, 10 Dec 2013

Went out again today, dressed. This is the first time wearing the skirt that I got from Lowry Farm and the shirt from New Look. I had wanted to drive to Tampines, but ended up taking the MRT to nex instead. Browsed a bit at Isetan, E2, Cotton On and Yishion before I decided to head home. There was too much of a crowd, to think that this is a weekday afternoon.

Slowly gaining confidence. Salespersons have been approaching me to try and help, but I have been giving them the cold shoulder since I am not confident using my voice yet.

First movie

I went to catch a movie on my own the other night, dressed up. It was the first time I was watching a movie in girl mode. I am not that good with my female voice yet, so instead of getting tickets over the counter, I made an online booking for the tickets.

Got to the cinema a bit early, so I had to spend almost two hours wandering around the nearby mall. It was a great experience as I learn how to get used to being a lady walking around and shopping. I think I was not so nervous this time because it was quite late already (watching the late night show) so by the time I was there, the mall wasn't that full of people.

Still, the experience was good, giving me more confidence as I try to learn how to present myself as female. The journey is not an easy one, but I think I will slowly get there with time and practice. Wish me luck!

Shopping at Orchard Road

I tried going out again dressed, hoping that with practice, I will gain confidence. I changed the style a bit, a one piece white dress, with a shorter wig and glasses. This time, I was able to walk with my head higher, although I still try to avoid eye contact with people. I managed to get down to Orchard Road, the furthest I have been so far while dressed.

Shopped around two shops, got myself some skirts, tops, and a dress that I have been eyeing. I still need to work on my voice, no confidence in it and thus just used waving of hands, nodding of head to signal to the sales assistant.

All in all, I am starting to gain a bit more confidence in myself.

Going out dressed

I went out dressed today, the second time I have done this (first time back in June 2013). It was, again, quite an experience.

I had wanted to drive to a nearby mall, but got caught in a traffic jam, so I took a u-turn, and took the train instead. I had big plans for the day, to go get a dress that I wanted, to look around other shops, and even have lunch at MacDonald's.

But by the time I got to the mall, I was so self-conscious that I could not really shop around. I went straight to the shop, got the dress, and left. Hopped onto the train and got back home. Phew.

I think it is the height (I am around 1.8m tall) and my prominent Adam's apple. I kept thinking that people are looking at me, that I was being read. What an experience!

Flats from Cotton On

I found flats in sizes 41 and 42 today at Cotton On. Finally! Got some shoes that I can actually wear with my clothes.

Classic point flats in beige and navy, plimsoles in mint and canary. I am so happy and excited! I can understand a woman's obsession with shoes... I don't have many guy shoes, just a few pairs that I keep rotating. But a lady... now, you need different styles and different colours to suit the mood, the clothes, the occasion, the company.

Time to get heels...

Living at home, dressed

The past few days have been therapeutic. I have been living my time at home dressed. I won't say this is any real-life experience though, since it is all indoors within the safety and comfort of my home. Still, it helps to bring a peaceful feeling to myself.

Have been underdressing to work too. I wonder how long I can keep at this?

Bringing my things home

I brought my things home today. I used to store my clothes, shoes and other stuff in a rented storage space, but I finally decided to stop the lease and bring everything home. I just didn't want to hide all these from my wife anymore. She doesn't really want to talk about it, though. I think she is still in denial and also because she doesn't really know how to handle this, and there is also the uncertainty about the future.

Now that the things are back, next would be to talk to the wife again.

First step

I came out to my wife the other day. The first step, as prescribed by Dr Tsoi. Talked to her about my condition. She took it quite calmly, though she is still in denial. Again, it wasn't easy bringing up the subject, but she has heard about the condition before and thus made it easier to talk. But I didn't share too much details with her, I didn't want to flood her with too much details in so short a time. Didn't want to shock her too much.

Being totally unexpected, she is still at a loss, though she is sticking with me for the time being. We will need to talk about this again to see how to move on from here. But first, I need to know what it is that I myself want, what is the true me that I want to become.

Stepping out the first time

I stepped out dressed today, for the first time. It was a bit scary, and I was very self-conscious. Being 1.8m tall didn't help, I stood out like a sore thumb. Plus new shoes never help too... now I have blisters on my feet! I took the train to a shopping mall, where I tried to shop around. Although I managed to buy some clothes at Cotton On and some things at Daiso, I didn't managed to achieve my aim of getting my long dresses to complete my wardrobe. Still, I was told that this was quite an achievement for someone stepping out the first time.

Starting out

Paid my first visit to Dr Tsoi today. My first step towards becoming the true me.

It wasn't easy talking about this to someone else, especially a total stranger. But after a while, it got easier, though I still continued to feel awkward answering his questions. Still, it is good to know that there is someone out there who is willing to hear and willing to help.

He kept asking me what I want. I think that is actually the most important thing. What is it that I really want? I know I want to become the true me. But what actually is that? It is something that I have to slowly discover for myself.

He told me to look for him again when I decide on the next step.