Sharing with my first friend

I shared my condition with my friend today. The first time I told a friend.

He is actually my classmate from school, and I have been seeing him for depression (he is a psychiatrist). Today, I shared with him the underlying cause of all that stress.

He told me that he has since other patients with GID too, and offered advice on transition. So glad to be able to share this with someone outside the family. It does give me confidence to tell more of my friends (slowly) about my condition.

Moving out

Today, they moved back to their hometown. So I am alone here. I don't know how things will turn out, but I do hope we will eventually be together again. But for now, I have to learn to stand on my own.

Telling my mother

Told my mother. While she cried, at least she didn't faint.

Telling my sister

Told my sister. She could better understand since she did a module on gender studies back in her university days.

Next would be mother.

Another small step

Started on another small step today.

Started on my meds.

新しい人生に向かって踏み出す。

Telling my brother

Told my brother about my condition today. He didn't overreact, and in fact offered to help in any way he can.

I am so glad I chose to tell him before the rest of the family. Siblings who grew up together do share a very special bond.

Now I know roughly how to go about telling people... next would be my sister.

Decisions...

Things have taken a turn...

Likely to lose my family. I will probably need to start thinking about finding a place to rent and stay by myself. And a job to feed myself.

A family that won't be staying together. Who knows, maybe we will be back together again in the future? But it is not likely to be the case in the near future...

I will have to start thinking about what I want to do for a living.

I will have to start thinking about where I want to stay.

Somerset!

Oh I really love the area around Somerset MRT station. My favourite shops are all around that area.

Zara
Mango
Forever 21
Cotton On
Muji
H&M
Dorothy Perkin
New Look
Mark and Spencer
MDS
Uniqlo

I know where I am headed when the next Great Singapore Sale comes!

Oh, and I managed to get my Progynova at the pharmacy today. Hurray!

Progynova

I got my prescription from Dr Tsoi today for Progynova.

It was out of stock at the pharmacy nearby, so I will have to go elsewhere to try and buy it.

But still, it is yet another small step towards becoming me.

Called "sir"...

Just when I was gaining confidence, things had to hit me. I was trying to buy a skirt, when the cashier called me "sir". To think I was in a blouse and skirt, with a long wig and wearing make-up. What was wrong? And not just that, at a different shop, a lady called me "sir" when she was trying to ask me to make some space for her.

And I was gaining confidence, having noticed enough tall girls lately as I was walking around. So I thought my height was not going to be that "special". Still, something is giving me away... wonder what that could be...

Meeting Aurora and Natalyn

I met up with Aurora and Natalyn today. It is great to be able to meet up with people from the same community, even though our stories are all unique and different. We all have our stories to share, but I am not very good at sharing my story because I am not out yet, it is a while more before I can start my transition.

Still, it is good to hear about how to go about coming out to young kids. That is knowledge that could come in handy some day.

Electrolysis for the first time

I went for my first session of electrolysis today.

Ouch!

Good thing I read the advice on the forum and applied Emla cream, else it would probably hurt a lot more.

I did IPL on my legs and tummy area too. Right now, my thighs are red from the IPL... hopefully it subsides soon. Meanwhile, I guess I won't be showing off my legs for a while.

Rough patch

I am going through a rough patch recently.

I have been drinking daily. It has become my way of dealing with the stress.

My temper has taken a turn for the worse again. I am taking it out on my loved ones.

What's all this stress about? I would say the trigger is work related. A new environment at work, with a new job scope, new people that I have to work with. The usual bad traffic every once in a while when commuting to and fro work.

But underlying all that is the inherent stress that I face, internally. This difference between who I am, and who I present myself to be. Every day, this difference causes internal stress that eats away at my threshold. On top of that would be the fear of rejection, and thus not being able to share this even with my loved ones.

On good days, I can manage the stress, and I drink less. On bad days, I need to vent off the steam, and my loved ones get my nonsense even though they don't deserve it. And I drink more.

My body and my loved ones are the ones who suffer the most. When can I bridge the gap between this difference, and end this needless suffering?

Online escape

I play online games, specifically, those that offer a virtual world in which I can escape to be who I am. To be who I want to be.

In Second Life, my avatar is who I make her to be.

In MUDs, my characters are mostly female too.

But I have not found a virtual world in which I can really be who I want to be.

And so the search continues, for a virtual world in which I can be myself.

Let It Go (from the movie "Frozen")

Inspiring song...

Time to let it go and be myself!